Sunday, May 10, 2009

Emotionally Cumulative Too

Sunday, May 10, 2009

When I began this blog, I promised it would be an honest recounting of this journey that I'm on, and so far it has been for the most part. If I'm being honest with all of you and with myself, however, I've been holding back a little. I've received so much praise from all of you regarding my strength, my courage, my wisdom...and a slew of other characteristics that I wouldn't necessarily use to describe myself. Don't get me wrong...I thank you for the praise and support. It is what I need most. The problem is, I think I've been so worried about remaining positive, not only for myself, but for everyone else, because it is what everyone has come to expect of me that I have forgotten to mention some of the other emotions I've been feeling.

I've said before that the effects of chemo are cumulative...well, it's not just the physical ones that are, but the emotional effects too. It's becoming increasingly difficult to stay positive and upbeat through the "on week" when I feel so completely like crap all the time. It's true that I feel a little better over time during chemo week and I feel quite a bit better in the off week, but I never feel quite right. I always feel a little off.

I'm frustrated. I miss the gym. They gym had become a daily ritual and a release. I drive by and I miss it because I don't have the energy to go.

I miss going for a jog or a walk just because I feel like it. On Friday, it was beautiful out and my husband wanted to take a walk...just a simple walk with me in the nice weather. I couldn't do it. I didn't have the energy.

Believe it or not...I miss having the energy to clean my apartment. I would really like to give it a nice spring cleaning, but it's not going to happen. I'm simply too tired.

I miss the time when walking to the back of the apartment to grab something didn't seem like a long, hard journey. It does now.

I know this is temporary. I know it will be over before I even know it. I'm already 5 weeks into my 16 week chemo treatment schedule...but I'm tired and I'm frustrated and yes, I'm still a little (a lot if I'm being honest) scared.

Cancer is a roller-coaster ride of emotions and physical responses--sometimes you feel like your soaring and rising and fighting back, but sometimes you feel like you're on a climb and at any moment the tracks are going to fall away and you're just going to drop...hard. Please, please, do not call me a pessimist. I am far from it. But, every now and then, I can't help but worry that things seem to be going TOO well for the situation I'm in and I'm not through this journey yet.

So, to all of you...I apologize for this post being a bit of a downer, but I think it's important that I keep this thing honest. If you have it in you today or this week, I would just ask that as you're sending positive thoughts and prayers my way for my physical health, send a few my way to help me stay emotionally strong. It's getting harder. I will have many more good days and some more bad, but the last few in particular have just been a little tough.

On a positive note, it's Sunday and a new "off week" lies ahead full of the promises of baseball games, more energy, and a visit from my best friend who lives in NYC! So, stay strong and healthy out there, and have a great week!


  1. Well it sounds like you're handling everything great in spite of being tired and worried and frustrated! Of COURSE it's impossible to be Suzy Sunshine all through the process of beating cancer and dealing with chemo! No one would expect it of you. I think it's okay to oscillate between peppy optimism and grim determination and also to just feel crappy about the whole thing sometimes. The important thing is to just do what you're already doing; keep your eye on the end of your treatment, because it will get here, and before you know it, it'll all be behind you. Hope you have a great week! :)

  2. Please don't apologize for feeling like you are on an emotional roller coaster. It is normal and healthy to express what you are feeling. I know that you are strong, but try not to put all your energy in trying to be what you think other people need. You are incredible and strong, no matter what you may be feeling at the moment.

  3. Megan,my sister was diagnosed with melanoma and is going thru the same emotions etc as you...reading your blogs helps me understand more what she too is going through...THANK YOU for sharing!

  4. Dear Megan,

    I can still see you grabbing the soccer ball and charging at the forward as if to say, "not in my goal"! I'm sure that after falling on that hard ball that you didn't always want to "get up" but you did! It was so much fun watching you play. I miss you and want you to know that the Trent Gang is praying for you, praying for your folks and for Joseph. Hang in there and I know you will come through this a winner. Love you very much!

    Kathi, Randall, Kitty and Betsy