Thursday, March 25, 2010

You Gotta Know Your Limits

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Today, I got good news. The radiologist looked at me and said, "Everything looks good, I don't see anything on the scans that we should be concerned about!" Relief--at least for the next four months until I have to do this again--washed over me.

Thank you for the support, the prayers, and the well-wishes! They truly paid off and I truly am relieved and thankful.

In addition to learning today that my good health is still with me, I learned something very important about myself. I do NOT know my limits.

For a solid month now, my heart has been racing, my blood pressure has been off the charts, I've been distracted, quick to anger, and easy to upset. And while I've been experiencing this month of turmoil (and quietly crying when I get a moment alone, if I'm being really honest), I have not said a word...to anyone...about how afraid I've been. Sure, I've commented offhandedly that I'm "a little nervous" or "hoping for a good result," but I've been doing exactly what I did throughout my 8 months of treatment--I've been more concerned about every other person's delicate sensibilities than with allowing myself to feel fear and move past it.

I really need to know my limits. I let out a sigh today--my shoulders relaxed, my heart slowed down, and the tension that has gripped my body for weeks finally released. It felt fantastic. I've gotta know my limits.

I am experiencing all of this at the ripe old age of 25, which means I have, God willing, many many years of these tests ahead of me. Basically, that means I really need to learn to deal with this in a way that doesn't break me each and every time. For the time being, I have to go through these follow-ups every four months. Later, it will be every six months, and finally it will be once each year. It will be every year. Every. Single. Year. If I don't know my limits, the stress is going to eat me alive.

So what does knowing my limits mean? It means I lean on my husband, my parents (all four of them), my fellow-survivors, and my friends for support instead of shielding them from my fear for what I believe--perhaps mistakenly-- is for their own benefit. It means I learn to take my own advice--find serenity, find courage, find the wisdom to know when each reaction is appropriate. Rely on prayer for the rest.

Today, I begin a brand new year...a brand new cancer free year. I will continue to grow and I will continue to learn how to deal with an "old woman's" disease as very young woman. I thank you for your support, encouragement, and prayers and I humbly ask that you continue to keep those still fighting their own cancer battles in your prayers. I know I do. You know who you are and I'm sending prayers your way!

7 comments:

  1. Been there...done that... I keep telling you... CALL ME!! I don't mind and it will help you realize you are not alone in this part of the walk either!

    CONGRATS!!! CELEBRATE!!!

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  2. I've also been there and done that. As time goes on and you have clean results you will become less anxious. I guess we each have to learn that for ourselves. No one could tell me that till I experienced it a few times and yes..we do have to have a good network to rely on.

    I agree.....go out and celebrate.....but my guess is you already have.

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  3. Time is always the great teacher. Time eases pain and anxiety. Time teaches us to trust our own resources, and you have so many wonderful ones. You have made this last year look easy and have worked so hard to make it easy on everyone else. That is why your story inspires.

    ReplyDelete
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  5. Get better! Next life won´t be the same.

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